i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
