I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
