note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
