I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
