Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
