Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
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Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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