apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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