If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
