I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
