Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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