I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Found your dick twin last night
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
