Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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