hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
