If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
