I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
