he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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