I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
