When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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