Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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