I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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