but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
false alarm. still invincible.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
