a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
