Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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