My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
