Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
