his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
