So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
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Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
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I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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