she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
