I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
