I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
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So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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