careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
