We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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