I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
