He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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