I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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