My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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