I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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