Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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