just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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