Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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