I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
