My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
