bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
