tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
