I will die if light touches me.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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