WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
