Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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