Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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