good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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