Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
