My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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