Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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