grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
