I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
