you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
