I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
