remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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