girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
