i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
