So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
