I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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