I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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